Anger doesn't get us to the Goal

I write a monthly discipline column in a newsletter for moms. I don't tell a lot of people about it for a number of reasons. Firstly, who am I to write about discipline? I feel a bit foolish telling people. Also, if only a small number of people know I write it, then if I am bad at writing, not many people know I've failed! How's that for insecurity? 

ANYway, I've been challenged a lot recently to write. Write because it's cathartic, it's clarifying, and it's creative. Write because God teaches me when I think about writing. Write because I'm not very good, and I want to improve. Hopefully, I'll be a bit more consistent about writing and I'll get feedback from you!

Here's something that has come from Jubilee's series on James.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

I don’t like anger. Well, really, who does? I don’t like the way I feel or how difficult it can be to react out of truth instead of anger. Recently, God has put this verse from James on my heart. Verse 20 hit me like a ton of bricks: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger doesn’t accomplish righteousness. Getting angry at our children does not produce righteousness or self-discipline in them. So how do we deal with anger and discipline?

Admit it

When your child disobeys for the umpteenth time, admit to yourself that you are angry. Not simply frustrated, annoyed, or bothered, but angry! Why are you angry? Are you angry because you feel disrespected? Are you scared of what could or did happen? Are you annoyed that their disobedience creates more work for you? Are you seeing yourself in the mirror of your child? (I really hate that one!) To yourself, take a moment to analyze the trigger of your anger. Feel free to tell your child they need to wait a moment while you think about something. Acknowledging your anger helps you control your anger and not sin.

Take a Time Out

Do not discipline your child out of anger. Of course this simple statement is incredibly difficult at times! Avoiding our anger should not be the motivation of our children’s obedience. If you express your anger as a way to manipulate your child into obedience, fear will rule your child. God reminds us that love is our motivation for obedience to him (John 14:15); we want the same for our children. If you are angry, wait to discuss the issue and deal out the consequence. In our house, our children have to go to a specific place to wait for correction—under a light switch in our hallway. There’s nothing magic about that place, but it helps both parties cool down before we deal with the disobedience and heart issues. I’ve told my kids, “I’m too angry to help you right now. You need to wait here and both of us can calm down and regain control.” This works well even if no one has specifically disobeyed, but the situation is getting intense or out of control. Just as a side note, this is not storming off or slamming doors. Taking a deep breath and articulating your emotion and the next steps provides the gentle answer Proverbs 15:1 encourages.

Pray

If you find yourself being quick to anger much of the time, ask God to show you your heart. Warning: this can be scary! You may find yourself angry with one of your children more than another because of something in your heart that is reflected in his behavior. You may be angry with a friend, your spouse, or situation, but it’s coming out at your children. Psalm 139:23-24 encourages us to ask God to search our hearts and for Him to lead us to His way. Pray for your own heart and for your children. Ask to understand their hearts as well as your own. Freedom comes from the truth God reveals to us.

Anger doesn't get us to the goal. We will of course get angry with our kids, but using anger doesn't accomplish God's righteousness!