Anger doesn't get us to the Goal

I write a monthly discipline column in a newsletter for moms. I don't tell a lot of people about it for a number of reasons. Firstly, who am I to write about discipline? I feel a bit foolish telling people. Also, if only a small number of people know I write it, then if I am bad at writing, not many people know I've failed! How's that for insecurity? 

ANYway, I've been challenged a lot recently to write. Write because it's cathartic, it's clarifying, and it's creative. Write because God teaches me when I think about writing. Write because I'm not very good, and I want to improve. Hopefully, I'll be a bit more consistent about writing and I'll get feedback from you!

Here's something that has come from Jubilee's series on James.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

I don’t like anger. Well, really, who does? I don’t like the way I feel or how difficult it can be to react out of truth instead of anger. Recently, God has put this verse from James on my heart. Verse 20 hit me like a ton of bricks: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Anger doesn’t accomplish righteousness. Getting angry at our children does not produce righteousness or self-discipline in them. So how do we deal with anger and discipline?

Admit it

When your child disobeys for the umpteenth time, admit to yourself that you are angry. Not simply frustrated, annoyed, or bothered, but angry! Why are you angry? Are you angry because you feel disrespected? Are you scared of what could or did happen? Are you annoyed that their disobedience creates more work for you? Are you seeing yourself in the mirror of your child? (I really hate that one!) To yourself, take a moment to analyze the trigger of your anger. Feel free to tell your child they need to wait a moment while you think about something. Acknowledging your anger helps you control your anger and not sin.

Take a Time Out

Do not discipline your child out of anger. Of course this simple statement is incredibly difficult at times! Avoiding our anger should not be the motivation of our children’s obedience. If you express your anger as a way to manipulate your child into obedience, fear will rule your child. God reminds us that love is our motivation for obedience to him (John 14:15); we want the same for our children. If you are angry, wait to discuss the issue and deal out the consequence. In our house, our children have to go to a specific place to wait for correction—under a light switch in our hallway. There’s nothing magic about that place, but it helps both parties cool down before we deal with the disobedience and heart issues. I’ve told my kids, “I’m too angry to help you right now. You need to wait here and both of us can calm down and regain control.” This works well even if no one has specifically disobeyed, but the situation is getting intense or out of control. Just as a side note, this is not storming off or slamming doors. Taking a deep breath and articulating your emotion and the next steps provides the gentle answer Proverbs 15:1 encourages.

Pray

If you find yourself being quick to anger much of the time, ask God to show you your heart. Warning: this can be scary! You may find yourself angry with one of your children more than another because of something in your heart that is reflected in his behavior. You may be angry with a friend, your spouse, or situation, but it’s coming out at your children. Psalm 139:23-24 encourages us to ask God to search our hearts and for Him to lead us to His way. Pray for your own heart and for your children. Ask to understand their hearts as well as your own. Freedom comes from the truth God reveals to us.

Anger doesn't get us to the goal. We will of course get angry with our kids, but using anger doesn't accomplish God's righteousness!

Not me! Monday

Oh, yes Monday! MckMama and friends' weekly confessional.

I DID NOT post to Twitter a grammar joke about the kids playing that made me laugh (I'm sure no one else!)

I DID NOT make bread every day this week, just in case someone came to see the house. I DID NOT eat any of the bread I did not make. Especially the really bad for you white bread.

I DID NOT lock my children outside for an hour in the back yard on a 68 degree day, so they would just stop coming in and out and banging the back door.

I DID NOT have to turn around to keep from laughing at my 6 year old who stuck his tongue out at me, before having to discipline him. By the end of that day, he DID NOT have to go to bed without supper. It was NOT a rough day.

I DID NOT find my 2 year old dressed for the day and reading a book in her little rocking chair. It was NOT 8:30PM. She DID NOT take a quick nap and think it was morning.

I DID NOT write this on Thursday morning because of Girls' Weekend. There will be no reports from Girls' Weekend. What happens there stays there!

Have a great week.

Not me! Monday

Yes, it's that time again for me to recount to you all the behavior I DID NOT exhibit this past week. I know none of you would do these things either.

I did not make my two year old carry her gloves because she insisted on bringing them into the store and I didn't want to put them on. I did not allow her to put them in my purse because I told her she had to keep track of them by herself.

I did not leave, for a week, a storage bin of summer clothes in my back hallway. It's not still there.

I did not sit and laugh at my family while they talked about really random things and Skype with Michael about it. He was not sitting right next to me at the table while I did not do this.

I did not skip two of my runs this week. I'm am committed to that training schedule.

There is not popcorn on my floor for supper last night because I, of course, did not serve popcorn and apples for supper. I did not learn that from Shelly Kirkman.

I did not sit down to right this post while the dirty dishes from Sunday's lunch and Monday's breakfast sat on the counter. I would never do that: it's unsanitary and I always do my chores before doing fun things like blogging. Additionally, the groceries that I bought this morning are not sitting on the counter. My children are also not watching TV while I write this post, they are of course reading their books or cleaning their rooms.

I would never be involved in any of these situations. Of course not, not me!

11th hour plea bargaining

Our family life is finally getting back into a little bit of routine. Unfortunately that mean quite a bit of butting heads against the boundaries! Combine that with Stuart dropping his nap and it's all kinds of crazy...

Sabrina is really hitting the stage of testing the boundaries and if the consequence will really happen or not. Yesterday morning was a constant battle of "will I obey?" She was shouting no to me, whining just to whine, and being unkind to her brothers. We had to stop the van on Brentwood Blvd. for about 5 mins until she stopped screaming in the car.

By the time we got home, she could not practice any self control. I said, "Sabrina, if you don't follow Mommy's directions, you will go straight to nap without lunch." She decided to test that boundary by hitting Stuart (who actually didn't provoke her!) So I picked her up and said, "It's time for bed. You have to have your nap now because you hit Stuart." All the way to her room, "Yes, mama! Yes, mama! I don't say 'No, mama'. I habe a happy heart. I habe a happy heart!"
"Sabrina, it's too late now. You have to say 'Yes, Mama' when I give you the direction, not later."
"Yes, Mama! I don't say 'No, Mama'. Yes, Mama! I don't want to go to bed"
[So much funnier in her little, pleading toddler voice!]

When she woke up 3 hours later (!) She was much better. We sat down for lunch & snack and her behavior was much better the rest of the day.

At dinner, she kept telling Michael what happened. "Mama said, 'No, ma'am.' and I cried in my bed. But I habe happy heart now. I say, 'Yes, mama.' She said, 'No, ma'am.' I say,'Yes, mama.'"
She must have repeated the story 7 times! She was so cute, it was so hard not to laugh.
Hopefully, she started learning the lesson, not just the words!