Update or rant...however you want to see it

So this is basically a stream of consciousness vent.

I've really been avoiding the blog for a while, mainly because I feel like a broken record. In many ways I'm not much changed since this post in May. At the same time, God is doing things.

After a lot of prayer and seeking council, we've decided to move out of our house and rent someplace to live even though our house hasn't sold. For us, we're feeling like this is a real step of faith and a bit of a sacrifice to live somewhere where we can use our home in the way we feel God's called us to use our home. I vacillate between elation at a fresh start and a new place to bring the baby and dejection because everything we've done to our house and it still hasn't sold.

Much of the time I just feel sad for the baby. We've been focused on preparing and selling the house since before I was pregnant. So now, 9 weeks away from my due date, I still forget that I'm pregnant. We're bring a new life into the world and basically it's been ignored. I've not spent time talking to the baby, playing music, preparing the kids, hardly anything that I did do for the others. No one's going to throw a party for the baby because it's number 4. It's not being celebrated. Much of what we used for the other kids is expired, worn out, or can't be repaired. At the same time, we're kind of rearranging our whole lives in order to have room for the baby. I'm actually fearful about not bonding with the baby. I've never felt like that!

I know God hasn't left us. I don't doubt his timing is perfect; I just currently don't like it. Realtors come through the house and say, "I can't believe this house hasn't sold." or "Oh this house is darling. You'll sell quickly." I want to scream and say 3 years is a long time! I know it's not officially been on the market for 3 years, but when we tried to sell it in 2006, it was six months of the same thing. Then we waterproofed the basement and remodeled the kitchen and replaced windows among other things. And now here we sit again; rearranging everything in our lives to show the house, breaking rules we have for the kids about naps and TV time and going out to eat, just to hear people say, "Oh it's so cute. It shows beautifully." and then we never hear from then again.

And then on the other side of my multi-personality disorder, I am so amazed at God's provision for a rental. It's more expensive than we wanted, but it has everything we need and want. Bedrooms for everyone, kitchen big enough for a family of 6, a basement playroom, room for action track plus many more bathrooms and an attached garage! It's on a cul-de-sac close to school for the kids and the interstate for Michael. God has something for us there.

So I guess, this is my rant. I'm discontent with half my life and thrilled with the other. Mostly, I'm clinging to the truth that I don't know the beginning from the end, but my great, good God does. And in these circumstances, He is still on His throne, working for His glory and my life is wrapped up in that.

Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear recently. Fear in my life usually comes in the form of "what if?"
"What if something is wrong with the baby?"
"What if something happens to Michael or the other children?"
"What if our house doesn't sell?"
"What if we can't afford a new house?"

All these questions are rooted in fear. Not that we can't ask or don't ask questions, but I have the tendency to spin out scenarios based on the questions. Then my focus becomes on me and the solutions and options, rather than God. It's so easy; I slip into it before I even realize it. And then hope dissipates and escapes me.

Yesterday, a dear old friend experienced a tragedy in her life that was expected, but still so difficult. Her 8 year old son died after fighting for so long. How Emily, Shawn, and their son Grant have handled this suffering has reminded me where my hope is found. Nothing on this earth compares to knowing Jesus. Really, nothing.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.
(Stuart Townsend)

As they grieve for Grant, they and I remember that he is singing with His Savior in heaven, and that one day He will wipe away every tear.

So when the questions, the 'what ifs' come, I will remember that nothing can ever take me from my life in Christ. That is where my hope is found.