Thanksgiving

I had an "ooo-my-heart-is-ugly" experience today.

I was frustrated. I only needed to go to Schnucks for 3 items. Just 3. I know it's the day before Thanksgiving, but I needed them today. Oh, and it's torrential rain. Seriously. Getting out the door should have taken 10 minutes because we were all dressed, just needed to use the bathroom and buckle in the van. Instead it took 35 minutes. Boy 1 & Girl 1 were bickering getting in the van, so they had to get out and back in again without arguing, which took 3 times. Baby wouldn't hold still to get her shoes on and then I realized I put them on the wrong foot. Boy 2 couldn't find his shoe that he was wearing 1 hour before. I was getting more and more agitated. I knew the entire trip, even with the crazy traffic should take 30 minutes and now it's taken us 35 to even pull out of our garage.

By the time we drove the 9/10 of a mile to get to the store, we had trouble finding a parking space. I wasn't really mad anymore, but just looking for any place, not just a close one. I was stuck at a parking lot "intersection" where someone was loading their SUV full of groceries by the front door. They were in a fine spot. The problem was the crazy guy behind them. He was yelling and honking. Completely obnoxious. I thought, "That pour woman is trying to go as fast as she can. She doesn't like getting wet either. Calm down." My heart melted for the woman loading groceries in the rain, doing the best she could.

And then God showed me my heart. I had been like the obnoxious man with my kids. I was getting frustrated and angry, which didn't help the situation; it really only slowed us down. My kids were doing the best they could (mostly!). I had prepared myself for the grocery to be crowded and full of people. I had prepared myself to be patient there with people and my kids. But at home, I just wanted it done. My expectations weren't met and I offered no room for compassion on my poor child who honestly couldn't remember where he put his shoes.  I forgot "...as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

I'm thankful God gave me this experience today. I'm sure the next few days will be full of opportunities to be impatient and frustrated. God fill my with You Spirit that I may have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Have a Thankful Heart this Thanksgiving!

The only thing that can come out is what's in

Bryan continued the James series at Jubilee this week. Another excellent message from one my favorite books in the New Testament. I also love Lamentations, but that's a post for another day.

A few points that hit my heart

1. You are a product of your community.
  Surround yourself with people who are real, loving, and honest. Allow space for people to speak into your life. As Bryan said, if you're not close enough for someone to offend you, how will have to opportunity to forgive? If no one ever rubs you the wrong way, how will you smooth your rough edges? The bible speaks of us as clay, and God uses community to mold us for His glory.

2. When ugliness comes out of you, it's because that's what's in you.
  God uses opportunities when someone hurts/offends/angers/bothers/frustrates/irritates us to show us what's in our own hearts. Repeatedly, Jesus reminds us that what is in the heart is what comes out our mouths. When we live life in community and seek God, the ugliness of our sinful nature is bound to make an appearance. This can be incredibly painful. Sometimes the knocking is so hard because God is really digging out deep issues in our lives. The joy of community is forgiveness and sanctification. God uses these situations in our life to give us an opportunity to repent and to bring freedom in our lives.

3. Pride separates people
  When you value yourself above others either in arrogance or false humility, you separate yourself from others. Protecting yourself from the pain of possible confrontation by withdrawal or a "too deep alarm" isolates you. You are cutting yourself off from the life God has for you in community.

Are you in your community or just around people?

Wednesday Wonderings

Why do we spend so much time with things that don't matter? Why does the mundane capture our attention? Why does the temporal take precedence over the eternal?

It's so easy for me to get caught up in "getting things done". Probably because there is so much to do. I have four kids; I have four kids who are 7 and under. I have a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old and a four-month-old. I have a household to cook, clean, and clothe. I coordinate with our renters. I drive to CCS 3 times a day for carpool. I write for an online newsletter. I have a tight budget to keep, schedules to coordinate, and 116 teeth to brush (give or take a few!) My "to-do" lists can get pretty long, and they never get finished. Ever. No matter how short I make them, they never get finished. They have their own notebook (I tried to make myself feel better by getting a lovely pink moleskine to write my lists in). So it's no wonder I get caught up in accomplishing tasks.

All these duties are reality, but God clearly directs us to not worry, to store up treasures in heaven, to choose the better thing, Martha. And I've never heard one person say at the end of their life, "Really, I look back and wish I would have cleaned my kitchen better and just got that one last load of laundry folded."

So what is it? Why is it so easy to shift my focus from the eternal—relationships—to the material? It's not like I'm a perfectionist or obsessively clean (really not that!) I think it has to do with the misappropriation value and accomplishment. Reality is my value is determined by the worth God places on me. Well, He sent His son to die for me, by no virtue of my own, I have great value because God says I do. But this world, and our culture in particular, really loves accomplishment. We even have a name for it—Puritan Work Ethic. We ask each other, "What have you been doing?" "What did you do today?" (Please don't misinterpret this to think we should work. Work is a gift from God and we should work with all heart as unto the Lord. This is a different thing.) But here's where we run into trouble: when your value comes from your accomplishments instead of who values you. When I start seeing my life that way, it becomes so easy to get caught up in chores and errands, because it makes me feel better about myself. "Look at what I've done!" But Jesus, He calls us to something different.

Luke 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

⁴¹"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴²but only one thing is needed.^a]">[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

My value doesn't increase, only my love for Jesus. I remind myself this so while the laundry basket sits in the living room and the dishes sit on the counter, I will sit to read with my kids or spend some time with God. I get to spend eternity with them, and thankfully, not the laundry.

Update or rant...however you want to see it

So this is basically a stream of consciousness vent.

I've really been avoiding the blog for a while, mainly because I feel like a broken record. In many ways I'm not much changed since this post in May. At the same time, God is doing things.

After a lot of prayer and seeking council, we've decided to move out of our house and rent someplace to live even though our house hasn't sold. For us, we're feeling like this is a real step of faith and a bit of a sacrifice to live somewhere where we can use our home in the way we feel God's called us to use our home. I vacillate between elation at a fresh start and a new place to bring the baby and dejection because everything we've done to our house and it still hasn't sold.

Much of the time I just feel sad for the baby. We've been focused on preparing and selling the house since before I was pregnant. So now, 9 weeks away from my due date, I still forget that I'm pregnant. We're bring a new life into the world and basically it's been ignored. I've not spent time talking to the baby, playing music, preparing the kids, hardly anything that I did do for the others. No one's going to throw a party for the baby because it's number 4. It's not being celebrated. Much of what we used for the other kids is expired, worn out, or can't be repaired. At the same time, we're kind of rearranging our whole lives in order to have room for the baby. I'm actually fearful about not bonding with the baby. I've never felt like that!

I know God hasn't left us. I don't doubt his timing is perfect; I just currently don't like it. Realtors come through the house and say, "I can't believe this house hasn't sold." or "Oh this house is darling. You'll sell quickly." I want to scream and say 3 years is a long time! I know it's not officially been on the market for 3 years, but when we tried to sell it in 2006, it was six months of the same thing. Then we waterproofed the basement and remodeled the kitchen and replaced windows among other things. And now here we sit again; rearranging everything in our lives to show the house, breaking rules we have for the kids about naps and TV time and going out to eat, just to hear people say, "Oh it's so cute. It shows beautifully." and then we never hear from then again.

And then on the other side of my multi-personality disorder, I am so amazed at God's provision for a rental. It's more expensive than we wanted, but it has everything we need and want. Bedrooms for everyone, kitchen big enough for a family of 6, a basement playroom, room for action track plus many more bathrooms and an attached garage! It's on a cul-de-sac close to school for the kids and the interstate for Michael. God has something for us there.

So I guess, this is my rant. I'm discontent with half my life and thrilled with the other. Mostly, I'm clinging to the truth that I don't know the beginning from the end, but my great, good God does. And in these circumstances, He is still on His throne, working for His glory and my life is wrapped up in that.

SOAP today

S:
Psalm 119:34-35
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
and observe it with my whole heart.
Lead me in the path of your commandments,
for I delight in it.


O:
We need understanding in order to live by Kingdom ways. That I can observe with my whole heart. The psalmist asks God to give him understanding. Understanding isn't gained; it's given. It's given in order to change our lives. The psalmists asked to be lead. He delights in the commandants of God, but recognizes he can't find it alone. Beginning with understanding and then asking to be lead.

A:
God is so gracious that He gives us the understanding to live His way. I want to walk in the right path, because I do delight in the freedom of living by Kingdom ways. Today I ask God to give me understanding, that I can follow Him.

P:
Jesus, you paid the price that I don't have to keep every rule of the law to enter your Kingdom. You have justified my sin by your sacrifice. Sanctify me, change me to live and observe your ways with my whole heart. Give me understanding and wisdom. I need you today; lead my down Your path. Holy Spirit give me understanding that I will whole-heartedly observe your perfect law, because it is a delight!


Delighting in God's ways doesn't mean I'm always happy. Psalm 119:50,"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." My comfort isn't that things change, but that I have life based on the unchanging promise of God.

God's purpose

Bedtime is usually a difficult time of day for me. I want it to be sweet and memorable, not full of wildness and strife. However, by the end of the day, I'm a little done, so bedtime can be challenging. We've done several things that make it better: memorizing a Psalm together, reading Encyclopedia Brown (thank you, Aunt Samantha), or talking about the things that made us laugh. My favorite thing recently has been a book my loving husband gifted me, Hymns for a Kid's Heart.

Now, I know lots of people think hymns are boring and dull, but I love the really good ones. This book is written for children with stories of hymn composers or other people who influenced classic hymns. It's a bit like a devotional, but it doesn't feel forced like some children's devotions do. It's a bit cheesy, but, kids usually don't think things are cheesy; kids are experiencing it the first time around.

Last night we read the story of "The Lord is My Shepherd." Chase chose it because he memorized Ps. 23 in class this year. It was a lovely time of reading the story of King Edward (you know, the one who became king at age 9 and died a few years later) and the making of the Book of Common Prayer and the Psalter. They were amazed that people couldn't pray to God in their own language and that God used a child to spread His word. It was such a sweet time of singing this song and watching them start to realize that God has a purpose for them. We've known that for a long time, but all three of them catching a glimpse of God's purpose for their lives was special.

Ask and you shall receive

I have felt myself being sucked into being consumed by this house. I've felt like I'm in a giant pool, being pulled by the water tornado toward the drain. I'm trying to keep my focus on God and the Kingdom, but I quickly turn my attention to the house again. Preparing our house, praying for a buyer, a quick sale, looking for a new house, wondering what will happen. It's almost like I'm watching myself fall into the trap. "Be careful, Jenn. You're starting to focus on yourself and not the Kingdom." I know God cares about every small and big thing in my life. We believe He's told us to move. I want a new house so I can fill it with people and use it for the Kingdom. I believe this house is His, as well as everything else; I am just a steward of the blessings God has given. Yet it's easy to focus on stewarding the blessings and not the One who gives them. So I've been praying, "God, help me seek the Kingdom first."

Amazing...God answers prayers like that!

Today reading Psalms 27-29, these thoughts and truths really blessed me and brought me peace.

27:4 One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

That's really what I want, to dwell with God. To live my life with Him. In relationship with the most amazing being, Creator God. I want to dwell in His house, no matter where "my house" is and what it's like. I want to seek after Him, like a seek, pursue, and make time for a relationship with Michael. As long I'm with Him, why should I fear?

27:8 You have said, "Seek My face."
My heart says to You,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

It hit me tonight that seeking God's face isn't really just asking, "What should I do?" We say, "I need to seek God about that." But really, I will seek His face not to know what to do, but to know Him. I seek God to have intimacy with Him. That's what He wants. I do ask God for guidance and direction, of course. But mostly, worship and adoration, being in His presence, that's what I want.

Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear recently. Fear in my life usually comes in the form of "what if?"
"What if something is wrong with the baby?"
"What if something happens to Michael or the other children?"
"What if our house doesn't sell?"
"What if we can't afford a new house?"

All these questions are rooted in fear. Not that we can't ask or don't ask questions, but I have the tendency to spin out scenarios based on the questions. Then my focus becomes on me and the solutions and options, rather than God. It's so easy; I slip into it before I even realize it. And then hope dissipates and escapes me.

Yesterday, a dear old friend experienced a tragedy in her life that was expected, but still so difficult. Her 8 year old son died after fighting for so long. How Emily, Shawn, and their son Grant have handled this suffering has reminded me where my hope is found. Nothing on this earth compares to knowing Jesus. Really, nothing.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.
(Stuart Townsend)

As they grieve for Grant, they and I remember that he is singing with His Savior in heaven, and that one day He will wipe away every tear.

So when the questions, the 'what ifs' come, I will remember that nothing can ever take me from my life in Christ. That is where my hope is found.

Perspective

Today was a rough day. A day of normal life, but difficult for me to make right choices in my mind, my heart, my actions. Our children were inventing new ways of testing limits, so my day was spent parenting, not much else, just parenting. The hard part is disciplining and training without anger. My heart and body are drained from simply controlling my emotions today. I've really just lost track of the many difficulties of today, but at the end of the day, we all survived. God willing, everyone also learned something.
All day I was asking for God to show me and guide me, but I felt such gratefulness when I was reading some posts from a friend. A good friend from my childhood has a son who is extremely ill. His name is Grant and this is is CaringBridge Website. My day was hard, but they are watching their 8 year old deteriorate before their eyes. And still, God is sustaining them and Grant. My heart breaks when I read their family's struggles, but God is still with them. They are suffering well.
There are times in life that are challenging, and I want to glorify God in those. But there are other times in life that are indescribably painful. When those times come, I want to suffer well. I want it to count, to mean something, to glorify God.

Please pray for this family.

Humility and Strength

A few weeks ago, I was upset with my husband. We really hadn't had some time to talk it out, and for me, that is really vital to resolving conflict. So, I was sitting on some anger and disappointment for a few days. At a meeting, a couple friends asked how I was. I said I was working through being mad at my husband. I didn't think much of the conversations; however, two of the people came back to me to say that they appreciated my honesty and transparency. My sharing gave them some confidence that they are normal and some hope that they can work through things as well. Once again, I didn't really think much about it at the time.

Then this past week, I've discovered a few friends have walked away from God, and the results have hurt my heart. In all the situations, deception and lack of transparency have significantly contributed to the problem. The maintenance of the appearance of normalcy has isolated each person from the love and support available to them; the consequences have been disastrous.

So, I've been thinking about those conversations, a lot. I've been thanking God for the gift of repentance. I've been thanking Him for the tenacity within me to be open with people. Thank you for the grace of Jesus in my life that is His gift. Kingdom thinking is an Opposite World. We think that we should appear as if we "have it all together”; Kingdom thinking is, "here are my weakness and my struggles". Our thinking produces isolation and dishonesty, because, no one has it all together, and we don't want to be around people who do. Kingdom thinking endears us to people who are attracted by humility, and are encouraged by feeling like they can identify and connect with someone else.

This is God's love for us—vulnerability can bring us protection; humility, strength.

Life in the Spirit Leads to a Missional Home

Hopefully my title will hint to me—and any of the rest of you who read this crazy recording of events in the Whitmer household—that this entry isn't typical for this blog. Also, this is a long one. I do have to lay some of the blame squarely at the feet of Michael for insisting that I write this blog.

I've been praying for the salvation of my children since they were doing somersaults in amniotic fluid. I pray lots of other things for my children, but salvation was one of the first things I started praying. [I will include a couple resources on prayer at the end] Before this summer began, I was asking God for some goals for the summer, for him to direct our activities that would fill the long days of summer without school. During that time of prayer, I felt like I should pray specifically for Chase's salvation this year. So, I've been praying that.

Yesterday, I wanted to put everyone down for a nap, even though Chase doesn't really take naps anymore. We 'rest'; basically, that's so I can have 30 minutes of silence during the day! Anyway, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to keep Chase up and chat with him about the Gospel. Now, I was tired. I wanted to nap! Nevertheless, I strongly felt the Holy Spirit saying, "Keep him up and talk with him."

So I did. We both settled into different books to read for a bit and then I asked him about his memory verse for VBS today. 1 Peter 3:18 "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." He recited it (the kid has an amazing memory!) and we talked about the different facets of the verse.
Who died? Jesus
For what? for our sins
For whom? all
Who's all? all people
What does righteous mean? being perfect to God
Who is righteous? Jesus
Who is unrighteous? Chase immediately said, "Me!" I had to bite my tongue to not say "amen!"
How many times did he die? just once
Why did he die? To bring us to God
Why does Jesus have to bring us to God? Because we have sinned and Jesus is the only one who is perfect. Chase remembered some verses he's memorized John 14:6 & Romans 3:23 He used their meanings in our chat!

Lest you have a Rockwellian vision of this discussion—the child is in his boxer briefs, squirming all over and I'm talking to his bum more that his face. He's got his books piled on a upside down laundry basket, kicking them off and then asking why they're are falling off. Yet, despite this body language, he listening and answering and engaged in the conversation!

So then I read him Romans 10:9-10 That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

We started talking about that verse. Basically we believe in our heart first and then say what we believe with our mouth. So I asked Chase if he'd like to do that. I would pray with you if you want to make Jesus Lord, the boss of your life. Do you want to do that?

I know you're all waiting with baited breath, but he said no. I told him that if you ever want to, Mommy & Daddy will pray with you anytime. And then once you do, you can be baptized. He got very excited about that and so then he had a lot of questions about baptism. I asked again, and he thought for a second and said, "No. Not yet." So then we went on with our day, reading and playing and stuff. And then went on to a very frustrating evening with Michael working late and a leadership meeting, but that's another story!

But here's the point. Jesus said in Acts 1:8 "You will receive power when the Spirit comes on you, to be my witness in Jerusalem..." My children are my closest 'Jerusalem'. My preaching to them is mostly with my life because I spend more time with them than anyone else. Yet, yesterday, I listened to the Spirit, and by His grace, obeyed, and I received power—not just in the form of energy, because remember, I wanted to nap—but in words to communicate the amazing truth of Justification & Salvation in Christ to a 5 year old boy whom God has given me the amazing privilege to care for. Our mission, the mission of the church, is to make disciples. I don't want to neglect a lost world for the sake of my children, but it is just as much of a shame to neglect my children for the sake of a lost world.

What now? I keep asking to be filled with the Spirit so that I will glorify Jesus in my life and I keep praying for God to open the eyes of my children's heart, that they will be connected to Jesus; then that they too, will be filled with the Spirit to connect people to Jesus.


Resources that I have found helpful and have influenced my thinking on prayer:
John Lanferman's Message on Prayer 27 July 08
Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
The Most Important Place on Earth by Roger Wolgemuth

Oh, Lord, there's a lot of work for you to do!

Conversation overheard in the car this morning:

Stuart: Is Jesus alive?
Chase: Yes, he died and came back to life a long, long time ago. Back when there weren't any cars or vacuum cleaners or telephones.
Sabrina: Jesus 'live?
Chase: Yes, see I know more about God than you two do. Well, because my bible is bigger.


So, not sure how I feel about self-righteous living in the big yellow bedroom at our house, but I can pray!