Update or rant...however you want to see it

So this is basically a stream of consciousness vent.

I've really been avoiding the blog for a while, mainly because I feel like a broken record. In many ways I'm not much changed since this post in May. At the same time, God is doing things.

After a lot of prayer and seeking council, we've decided to move out of our house and rent someplace to live even though our house hasn't sold. For us, we're feeling like this is a real step of faith and a bit of a sacrifice to live somewhere where we can use our home in the way we feel God's called us to use our home. I vacillate between elation at a fresh start and a new place to bring the baby and dejection because everything we've done to our house and it still hasn't sold.

Much of the time I just feel sad for the baby. We've been focused on preparing and selling the house since before I was pregnant. So now, 9 weeks away from my due date, I still forget that I'm pregnant. We're bring a new life into the world and basically it's been ignored. I've not spent time talking to the baby, playing music, preparing the kids, hardly anything that I did do for the others. No one's going to throw a party for the baby because it's number 4. It's not being celebrated. Much of what we used for the other kids is expired, worn out, or can't be repaired. At the same time, we're kind of rearranging our whole lives in order to have room for the baby. I'm actually fearful about not bonding with the baby. I've never felt like that!

I know God hasn't left us. I don't doubt his timing is perfect; I just currently don't like it. Realtors come through the house and say, "I can't believe this house hasn't sold." or "Oh this house is darling. You'll sell quickly." I want to scream and say 3 years is a long time! I know it's not officially been on the market for 3 years, but when we tried to sell it in 2006, it was six months of the same thing. Then we waterproofed the basement and remodeled the kitchen and replaced windows among other things. And now here we sit again; rearranging everything in our lives to show the house, breaking rules we have for the kids about naps and TV time and going out to eat, just to hear people say, "Oh it's so cute. It shows beautifully." and then we never hear from then again.

And then on the other side of my multi-personality disorder, I am so amazed at God's provision for a rental. It's more expensive than we wanted, but it has everything we need and want. Bedrooms for everyone, kitchen big enough for a family of 6, a basement playroom, room for action track plus many more bathrooms and an attached garage! It's on a cul-de-sac close to school for the kids and the interstate for Michael. God has something for us there.

So I guess, this is my rant. I'm discontent with half my life and thrilled with the other. Mostly, I'm clinging to the truth that I don't know the beginning from the end, but my great, good God does. And in these circumstances, He is still on His throne, working for His glory and my life is wrapped up in that.

Crawling along

I am beyond weary of selling this house and finding a new place to live. My children are in a stage of life that requires vast amounts of energy to parent, something I have in short supply. My pregnancy has turned the home stretch and I'm close to single-digit-week-countdown. We can't seem to sell our house and it is enigmatic. We can't seem to find a place to rent. I am existing in a season where my hopes are dashed at every turn. Every plan and direction we feel like God is taking us is thwarted for inexplicable reasons. I really struggle to describe the emotional roller coaster in a way that conveys the way I feel. I know it could be a whole lot worse, but that doesn't make me feel better. I'm positive I'm not at the bottom of the barrel, but that too, doesn't make me feel better.

These two things make me feel better.

"My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus blood and righteousness."
God is with me and I am righteous before Him because of the blood of Christ. That's what He promised. He is not leaving me.

Isaiah 40:31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

I'm not soaring with wings. I'm not running. Really I'm barely walking, but crawling. But God says he will renew my strength and I won't faint.

So for now, I just know that my real hope is in Jesus, God is with me, and He will renew my strength and help me put one foot in front of the other. Currently, that's all I can do.

Not me! Monday

Oh yes. Happy Monday all! Visit MckMama for more not me fun!

This week I DID NOT cry every day. Nope, I'm totally in control of my emotions.

My youngest DID NOT turn 3 this week. She DID NOT ask me everyday this week, "Am I still 3?"

I DID NOT stuff the washing machine full of dirty clothes to the point the lid didn't even bang shut in order to clean up for the Open House on Sunday. Of course, I do laundry on a routine, so there is never piles of laundry around. I am NOT currently working my way through 6 loads of laundry today. I would ever procrastinate like that.

I am NOT audibly hearing the countdown of this baby coming, no matter what the house does!

I DID NOT decide on Saturday that I couldn't wait any longer to start preparing for this baby. SO I DID NOT discuss with Michael buying a twin bed for her, find one on Craig's list, and buy it that day. She DID NOT have a perfect first night in her big girl bed!

Lastly, I have NOT discovered I have no control in my life. None. God is in control and that is enough. As a psychological response to this discovery, I DID NOT dye my hair cartoon red. Nope, not me!



Have a great week!

Wordy Wednesday

These are phrases I say so much, I wish I could just press a device that plays my voice in surround sound when one of these sentences needs to be said. Better yet, some kind of automated system that recognizes the situation and then my voice plays. Oh, well, I guess that's job security as a parent!


"Stop annoying your brother/sister/me/the cat."
"Get in the van." (This one really blows my mind. They will often stand outside the van wondering what to do)
"Gently, please"
"Fingers out of noses"
"Close the closet door"
"Don't lick that; it's not food."
"Stop shouting"
"You are not in charge"
"Walk, please. Don't stop in the middle of the doorway."
"Stop slamming the doors"
"Chew and swallow before you talk"
"Stop running in the house"
"Wipe your bottom and get off the toilet."
"The toilet is for going pee and poop, not as a reading post."
"I love you" (there's always some good!"

Not me! Monday

Oh yes! Monday a la MckMama! I DID NOT engage in any of the following this past week. Anyone who says differently is simply spreading malicious lies!

I DID NOT have strawberries and cream (well, whipped) for dessert one night. I did not add more more whipped cream to the bowl telling myself I was simply finishing off the can of whipped cream.

I DID NOT thoroughly enjoy my Mother's Day celebration of sleeping in, naps, Chinese food, and a movie with the kids!

I DID NOT have a girls' night because I'd been crying to much. It WAS NOT a fabulous time!

Stuart is NOT obsessed with the future prospect of marrying Ella. He DID NOT tell me he was going to ask Bryan on Sunday if he could marry Ella when they grow up.

All of the kids are NOT completely taken with the Pigeon Books, particularly Don't Let the Pigeon Stay up Late. Stuart and Sabrina DO NOT take turns "reading" it to one another. Chase DOES NOT repeat the lines at random.

My husband DID NOT get the boys hair cut and bring them home with short spiky hair. I DID NOT almost cry when I saw them. I WAS NOT completely surprised by this change in hair.

I AM NOT utterly exhausted with my house still for sale. I DO NOT have only 3 months left until this baby comes. I AM NOT at all concerned with what to do and where to put this one. I DO NOT pray constantly that my house will sell. I DO NOT feel like "forget the cheese, let me out of the trap!"

Have a great week!

Not me! Monday

Oh, yes! It's Monday! MckMama and Not me! Monday has returned.

I DID NOT take my children to breakfast on Tuesday because we had an Open House and I didn't want them touching anything! I DID NOT have to shower at a friend's house that day b/c I forgot my bag at the Y.

This week I DID NOT have a total breakdown on Friday. I DID NOT have tears streaming down my face while trying to pick up my son from a birthday party. I DID NOT continue to cry through carpool.

I DID NOT wake up to a vomiting child on Sunday morning. We DID NOT have another Open House that day. Never would that happen!

I DID NOT forget to close my van door for hours this week. The inside of the van is not covered in neon green pollen. Nope, I always remember to close doors.

Have a great week!

Weddings on the mind...

I think it's a combination of the age and their aunt getting married, but the married talk around here is getting hysterical.

You may remember Stuart's declaration of future marriage to Ruthie a few weeks ago and Sabrina's serious dismay at that idea. Well, the next week he changed his mind and said he was going to marry Ella. He decided since Ella is almost five, she would be better than Ruth who is three.

Today the topic came up again in the car today.

Sabrina: Stuart, are you still going to marry Ruthie?
Stuart: Noooo. I'm marrying Ella.
Sabrina: But I want Ruthie to be my sister (she changes like he does!)
Stuart: I'm sorry, Sabrina, I'm going to marry Ella. We're going going to go to the church and ask the principal if we can get married and then we'll live somewhere and have some little kids.
Me: You know, Stuart, you need to ask Ella's daddy if you can marry her.
Stuart: Why?
Me: Because that's what boys do.
Chase: Does Ella have to ask Stuart's daddy?
Me: No.
Boys: Why?
Me: Well, boys are supposed to protect girls and until a girl gets married, her daddy protects her. So you need to ask him.
Stuart: (distraught) But! What if he says "no"?
Me: Well if you asked him now, he probably would say no. But when your older and out of high school, you could ask.
Stuart: Ok, I guess I'll just have to wait and ask later.
Sabrina: BUT I WANT RUTHIE TO BE MY SISTER!

How in the world are we going to have discussions when then there's a another voice in the conversational space?